I realized during the past weeks that my subconscious reason for healing was reinventing myself aka self improvement. I did imagine myself taking the hard road of improvement toward a all over peaceful and not disturbed by anything view of the world. And I did take that road. By emphasizing and focus toward light, love, kindness and empathy. And also toward someone that is not me. What I saw as self improvement was, I can see now based on control, that state of forever peace is actual the opposite of love, is fear and not being enough. I am not saying that self improvement is not beneficial. Of course it is and deconstructing our old patterns is self improvement. But the focus on it as the final goal can be easily related to guilt, fear and loathing.
Acceptance is the ability to see myself in the complexity that I am. Hardworking, ambitious, decided, creative, imaginative, at times trusting and at times not, at times kind and empathetic, and at times angry, sad and stubborn, emotional and hiding my fear and sadness, funny, laughing at times to cover up feeling anxious and uncomfortable and sometimes just laughing. Loyal and a good friend when I let my guard up, guarded at times ad fully vulnerable at others. Focused on control and safety and moving now toward surrender. I am for sure not the image of what I wanted to be and what I tried to mold myself to be. And I am so grateful that the molding failed. I used to see healing mostly as a great responsibility and a part i was afraid not to fail. I see now is actually acceptance and love, as simple of that. I was given this gift because I am worthy of it and the entire universe of parts of me that I boosted and parts that I tried to fully suppress is what is needed to healing to work. Self discovery.
