or when all comes as one piece....I studied this weekend more the 4 attachment styles. When checking them for the first time some time ago, I wanted to define myself as having an avoiding attachment style. In my head that looked better for a reason that I am not sure I know now. On a more attentive look, what I developed in my childhood, was a clear anxious style. I associated safety and care with my grandmother and her mom that took care of me until 11 and the mixture of safe and unsafe environment when with my parents. I do not show all typical characteristics of the anxious attachment style, but for sure I have the deep ingrained fear of abandonment and not feeling worthy. The part with feeling good enough and worthy of love I have worked for some time now and is showing pretty good results. The abandonment fear I also worked with but the in-depth study of the attachment style made me understand the physiological reactions borderline panic when the circumstances make me feel abandoned. I have far more compassion and understanding now that the reason is so clear and I am aware exist solutions. Breath and feel the love to the child in me and to me. Children with anxious attachment style grow up fixating their attention on their environment and to subtle changes of mood of adults. That explains why took me so long time to move my attention inwards and to understand and map what I feel and whom I am. Also they develop traits that can block or undermine the undesired emotions or reactions, mirroring the adult that dismissed or punished them for those traits. I saw these patterns playing out in the my own family and I internalized on the way.
Other layer that I had to go through before truly seeing whom I am and what I feel. That meant staying with my fear, shame, anger and pain a lot of unseen before pain. Attachment styles can be changed. By being aware and learning to love and trust ourselves. Is not a comfortable process to go through, but is very rewarding.
As an anxious attached in close relationships with some avoidant attached (emotional unavailable) I danced the dance of getting closer, the avoidant trying to get further away, the subconscious fear of abandonment, the effort to get closer, the threat to go away or just leaving, provoking jealousy or trying to control on my side. I can look now with compassion to some of my choices that I thought were not characteristic, though they were when triggered. I can share the same compassion for those people with avoidant attachment that just needed space to breath and regulate emotions. More you get to know yourself and your emotions and become self aware more you can heal and change things. Is scary only when you don't understand why.
