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Control and freedom

I used to feel afraid and small in the face of control and tight defined expectations, acceptance, rules and life in my childhood. I tried to rebel against it without success and felt powerless and incapable in situations where I wanted to say no but my no did not matter. So I moved all that anger, pain and fear inside against me, trying to mold myself to fit and thrive in the box I felt in, and that lead to guilt, self loathing and depression. Eventually I grew up and the box started to become a little larger, though I carried it with me. That was and is control. And a self inflicted cycle started where I would fit not comfortable in a situation if not fully restricted, then I would feel fear and anger and could not stay with them and eventually felt the situation could not change in any way so tried to change me to fit it. Looking at this cycle control is not something big and scary, but something manageable. Fear, anger and sadness are not monsters either, but parts of my own self that I am learning compassion toward. Freedom is not something I cannot have, but a choice. And I do have power, abilities, trust and connection. We all do even we choose not to.



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