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Fear and solitude vs loneliness

I have a long and pretty solid relationship with fear, probably one of the most resilient and long-lived one in my life. Sometimes what looks like a good one in terms of effects and sometimes not so good. What looks like a good one, fear for sure made me choose and be persistent on some paths in my life (getting a good education, a good and stable career, independence and freedom and personal and professional growth motivated by the impostor syndrome). Maybe not the most healthy way to achieve them but kind of worked. Also made me afraid to choose sometimes my own vulnerability, self-expression and intimacy/ even there still at times acted as a positive influence- when able to detect it and override it. Made me aware of environment and energy and connections and hypervigilant at the level I controlled myself to be safe. Trauma response by the way as I got to learn. And fear gets its trigger when fear of abandonment -with fear of being left out and not included, being controlled. And the symptoms are rather physical and intense-like a panic attack, but if you manage to stay through them they do get away and next time are easier. What helped observing and dealing with the fear of abandonment in my case was and is solitude. Not necessary that I recommend it but in my case it helped moving inwards, finding my own patterns and getting new ways to get through them. Healing is a personal journey, one can get ideas, answers and support but eventually is a personal and a one with oneself journey. And solitude that at times looked like the main enemy and trigger- loneliness counterpart-proved also to contain the solution. Because self awareness and self love include that relationship with self, that does require a trip inwards.

So was /is after all fear my friend? Not really- we can have a truce where I let it come, stay and pass, but not be the driving force. That is the opposite of connection and the place where monsters are created. Because ling standing fear-anxiety does rarely bring solutions.



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