Grief and sadness might be actually describing the same thing -pain. Starting a week ago I began feeling cold and rather disconnected. Also felt angry and more anxious than usual, anger and fear being the usual companions in my case and maybe less repressed manifestation of pain. Several reasons behind it all ranging from not finding myself so much in my current job with feeling out of touch from my own life. I used to feel scared of my own pain during my life, and tried to run away and block it rather successfully or covered it with more social acceptable in my own understanding anger or fear. Though is not any of the two. That lead to me felling I don't know whom I am, and what I want and overall blocked and stuck. My relationship with grief got better the past year and my repression mechanism do not work. I felt more content and real.
During this week felt the disconnection from others and of course from the pain lingering out, so stayed more in nature and that helped. As Saturday, in process of mounting my new table and chairs, felt the pain that run through the week coming out, and with it felt connection and compassion. I felt how small I am and how small I was when a child. When thinking I could save, meddle and or be of help in the business of the adults that my parents were. More than actually I could be. How I am not the hero and the evil character of some story or my own story and life, but just a person. How my life is so much bigger than I am and the connection to my guides also is something so much bigger than I am. I felt for the first time humility. I felt that my attempts to box myself out in what I thought I should be, feel or act, makes me smaller and smaller. And that I do not know or understand the consequences of the boxing, as when a child I could not grapple at the full extent the relations between my parents. And that hiding from my own pain is a part of the boxing.
So stayed further away with the pain while Sunday cleaning all the clutter necessary in my house and today I saw the face of that horrifying pain as my own. Vulnerable and raw. And as the face of the child that made up the stories with good and bad guys to cope with a painful at times reality. Feeling the pain is part of connection to the child in me. And with others as it connects me to compassion and empathy. Pain and grief is not the monster, never was.
