I have been watching several of the youtube videos of Patrick Teahan. They spoke to me in a new way as many of them are roleplays showing in comparison what a toxic family and one healthy would look like. He has also a number of them on roleplay between adult and hurt inner child. One of them suggested identifying the exact cause of the exhibited behaviors in my case was fear of abandonment and not feeling safe or enough. My caregivers were constantly inconsistent caught in their own conflict dynamic. Due to that made me feel unheard, unsafe (the conflicts had some high level display of emotional and verbal anger and aggression) and abandoned as my primary caregiver changed from stage to stage of my childhood. The youtube video also suggested to re-parent in a way that child, by making a more consistent routine, listen or stay with the emotions and be consistently there. Is work in progress though opened so many doors for me. When in an unhealthy pattern most likely you will not see it or acknowledge it. By following what you feel and intuition and being curious what is there you can get to a more real connection to yourself. I saw with this my long term desire for approval that is the desire to feel loved, went to my pretty consistent attempt to make the other ones understanding my point of view. If I can get to them then they will validate me aka accept me. And all the anger and disappointment that come when that did not happen and guilt for the anger and the repetition of the cycle. A sort of giving my power to people that did not truly get me. And they could not get me. or I them. My mom cannot get me and that is fine. She will not change and neither will I and that is fine too.
This morning saw a snail crawling on a bus stop.
You are headed in the right direction, and if you are willing to keep heading that way, you will make progress. Stick with it! Take time and patience to enjoy the ride.