This one has contains a repetition, and a clarification in my childhood beliefs. I mentioned in a previous part that I saw myself as responsible for how other people felt and acted. And the addition, that I realized only during weekend is that I felt as the sole responsible of the other people emotions and reactions toward me. As an answer to that I was adjusting my own behavior and shutting down my own emotions so that not to trigger or amplify a perceived negative reaction coming from the others. That lead to asking myself what do I really feel and whom I was? This is one of the oldest learned reaction and of course lead to a high level of resentment, anger and pain. That I had to go through to see that I saw myself as the only guilty part in others negative feelings or actions and was completely oblivious to their own responsibility in it. This pattern is not helpful anymore and is clearly connected to the control one I placed over myself. Is still uncomfortable to witness disappointment, pain, anger and so on targeted at me and to put boundaries, but I can leave with those unpleasant emotions.I am also not responsible for other people's healing/ helping and do not get my worth from that.
