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Comfort versus safety and lost fathers

The two subjects are not related, but as somehow they moved into my own healing journey around the same time I put them together. Comfort versus safety and freedom are both individual and cultural based subjects. As individuals we chose any of the three in different degrees or mostly one as in my case as for a long time I have confused safety and comfort. Only recently I realized that safety was more the trust in finding a more or less adequate response to the small or big challenges that life put in my way while comfort was how good I feel in the moment about it. For having overlapped a fear of pain and sufferance in there too comfort and safety become more avoiding pain and or discomfort. I see now that they do not overlap and I can have both discomfort, safety and freedom of choice in the same time, or pain safety and freedom without having to chose between. Lost fathers also moves in there, my culture and many East European cultures experienced the two wars, the forced sovietisation and in the end a path to democracy that was rather confusing, experimental and at many times a failure, raising the question if between comfort and freedom we should not as a culture stick with comfort as freedom will not fill in the gaps of a world changing so fast and many times in ways disadvantageous for many. That idea stayed with me and took years to realize I still carried it and make a distinction between the three to find the smaller evil of the 90s. But with so many events men were or dead, or disappeared in a pretty bloody sovietisation process or just could not cope and found alternative ways to deal with the new eras that unfolded in the span of maximum two generations. Educated and influential men of the second world era that did not enjoy the communist regime did not survive the 1950-1960s era, and with all the losses that the two wars and several political transitions brought in 1960-1970 having a good partner was a luxury. The lost men by death, political prison, forced labour camps or just unable to fully adapt to the new changing world let a number of alone women that had to raise children alone with consequences on their emotional availability. And that perpetuated. Combined with those that were and were not present -addiction, depression, anxiety disorders, overworking, addiction of power and professional success that made the pressure on the present parent to compensate while navigating the same world and lead to generations of men and women looking for what meant to be a man or a woman and identity or unconditional love and support for which were not that many emotional or physical resources left in their mothers or absent in a way fathers. Addiction, co-addiction, generation trauma and absence, looking for the missing parent further on in romantic life and perpetuation of the cycle. Because lack of emotional connection and connection time went on even in families with both present partners due to parents not knowing what is and how to do it. Maybe is time to bring the missing fathers and the connection back and rewrite the story. Is time to stop waiting for them and see that what we need to be safe and loved is in us and was all the time.

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