Families behave like systems and in order for the system to work different people take different roles that can be carried on from the origin family further on. In my family I took over the role of conflict mediator. I learned to read people emotions and body language as also to energy of the room. I partially learned to mimic others energy and way of talking a sort of social mimetic. I learned to ignore my needs, disappointment, anger or pain and be the good kid that was focused more on others problems. In he hope that if I fix those maybe eventually I will be seen. And that did not happen. My father was the identified patient that also glued the family together. My mom and my grandmother were the strong ones fighting at times for control and fixing the identified patient/ in different ways stemming from the same concept. Eventually when I grew older the mediator start telling the truth something that the system also needed and eventually felt left out and left. With some attempts to return not very successful. So as a coping mechanism I am conflict avoidant packing a lot before able to tell the truth for which I expect to be punished so or I leave before that happens or I am shunned out. I still see my worth in trying to mediate conflicts and fixing issues aka puzzles at work the type A personality and left to wonder for many years whom I was and how I was so successful at failing being myself. I had to go through feeling those pushed up emotions, learning to be more assertive and having boundaries even that still pushes some buttons as I expect somehow to be punished for it. Is a process to allow myself to be free and I take it one day at a time. Is a process to allow myself to be vulnerable and I victimize myself in the process. And the first step to healing is to admit I have been victimizing myself and others by trying to help people feeling better on my own expense in the hope that they will also do it for me. That robbed all of us of power...and I am safe and ok even when the others are not, even when we have conflicting views and truths and even in the moments we might not even like each other that much. And I do not need to go when that happens as a results of feeling shame. And that I can use my role to create a safe space also for others, to listen and help only when I am asked for and in the limit I am asked for, and go against it and ask for help directly without having to earn the help. And maybe eventually I will fail less at allowing myself to fully be me.
