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Fear of love and freedom

How can you be afraid of them, right? In theory I was not either, I was very sure that I want them and I do what I could to have them. But looking back in reality that was not that true. Because my definition of love included also fear, control and hardships of reaching some standards that were not mine. And that is what I chose to have time after time in romantic relationships and relationships with my parents where the pattern actually started. I truly felt that if I managed to achieve those standards I was going to be a better person, because anyway I was not good the way I was. Otherwise i would have reached them anyways, no? Freedom was even worse, because who I was without others expectations of me? That was addiction to love and drama and somehow luckily it did not extend to my friendships. Growing up I saw my parents not having true friends, because they could not trust fully anyone so there I finally could be me. And there I was notices how twisted my definitions and expectations sometimes were.

Was I happy those days? No. Because lying to myself also fueled anger and depression.

These days I am getting closer and closer to both love and freedom and further away from control, as they are both interconnected. I am aware we are what we think and I am trying more and more to be conscientious about what I think and why. Deep down I

know whom I am and what I want, regardless how intimidating this sometimes is.

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