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Fear part n

I wrote quite a few posts about fear, and I have met fear in my own healing process, that to explain it I see it as a return to peace and freedom. And fear is not really any of the two. More specific was fear of failure/ actually phobia and it does exist medically and I exhibited a large part of the symptoms, triggered by my need to be accepted and be part of something bigger even I do not have the natural drive of enroll in ideologies. The need to be accepted lead in time to accepting me les- the backwards law- A Watts really clicked home there- aka more you want it and act to get it less you have it. A self imposed program of solitude helped with that and I had the sudden realization, as simple as it sounds, that I am ok in my entirety. I am a mixture of traits, patterns, habits, organs, systems that actually make an entirety that acts and reflects and is acted and reflected by the environment or nature or what is all around as space, but not empty space. And I am a unit, not a self, ego, parts or features taken separately and ranked based on what is in social standards or not. I am not parts that I can like or not, and I interact with lets call it outer space as the opposite of the inner one as a hole. And is ok the way I am and I can use what I have to make my way a better place for me and by extension to others by interaction. That the we are all connected is even more true, we a part of a natural system and we are born in a certain way to have our own way designed by how we were built in the natural rhythm of life. And the rest is that social conventions and social roles and structures. And that fear of failure when listened to was about fear of pain, and when connecting to pain, pain was so much easier, was peaceful and gave peace. Fear when not cause by a direct interaction in the environment has and had for me a life of its own. With lurking monsters in the future that could be as bleak as imagined as they were imagined, and because of that more terrifying that the reality. The imagined pain was a monster, the real pain was not and is not. So in the fear part n dealing with fear is moving it to the present time where no imaginary monsters. Neither of the future or of the past/ as also those some with a bunch of fear and they are just representations memories of events from the past not actual living recordings of those events. Past is done, and because something happened in a way does not mean it will happen the same in the future. And we are not the same in the future as we were in the past, and we do not have the exact resources or life experience or ability to understand or cope. So is just a story as imaginary to the present as the future monsters. Life is change regardless how attached we get to our boxes or stories and is now and we are change and we are now. And like this fear become so small.....quite a rant hope made some sense.

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