Life is like a river, taking you on a journey of discovery, not a direct path and not a logical A to B consequence. A river that has different speeds, currents, width and length depending of the terrain. A river that one tries to tame, control or understands as a way to shield from the unknown, even having all the qualities to actually adapt to the unknown when a challenge presents itself. Life as a river is something to experience and be grateful for, with the perceived good and the bad and their consequences, with the love and friendship, and betrayal, grief or trauma. With the mystery of being here, now and alive- a present with an unknown significance and a connection beyond immediate grasp.
Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic."
- Frank Herbert, 'Dune'.
For all the gratitude for the gift of life, I realize now that I also felt somehow guilty and that I needed to prove I deserve my place, in life, as of my own space and in my family. That I need to do something for the others and take my place only if approved by. That on a deeper level I am underserving so I need to work for and sacrifice for to deserve the things I actually enjoy. And now looking at it is not true, I deserve my place in the flow of life and my family just by being. I do deserve all the great things that come to me and I am grateful for them, and they are not something I am going to be indebted for. They are both a gift and a lesson.
