One long and painful process due to my resistance process. Childhood trauma and education taught me to disconnect from my emotions that where not deemed as good like fear, anger, hate, sadness, weakness, vulnerability, and distrust. And I took a mask of joy, and positive thinking, being always good with no problems, mask fake and painful for me. As I felt ashamed and guilty for not being that joyful, happy self. When late in my almost 40s I started cleaning all that, to get to the real me that I silenced and distrusted for so long, I did not know hot to identify the above mentioned emotions. They all brought physical symptoms that I saw without making a connection. Fear I felt like pain in my shoulders from trying to hide, anger as a migraine, sadness as pain in my lower back and ovaries, distrust as cold feet, weakness and being cold and so on. And so my journey of working with them began. And the dreadful journey to love and real me that I feared, while preferring the comfort of the mask that gave me the certainty that people like me. For that mask and not for whom I was. There were moments in my life when I relaxed, mask fell and felt peace and associated that with the people I was at the time, leading to love addiction for those I thought made me feel like that. And more I was running of me, more I attracted people that did not like me, but my image. People that I did not enjoy spending much time with, but I thought I loved for those precious moments of peace. Because we attract our image in the mirror. The healing is not over yet and I am sure will run for the entire length of my life, but now I can see all this. And I am ready and grateful for love around me. Love that I deserve for just being me.
last night I dreamed of a lapis lazuli attached its meaning. Fits perfectly.