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I cannot do any better

I said it and I believed it a number of times in my life. Starting with my romantic relationships where I would be so grateful to be seen that I threw my needs out of the window. I dated men that I would not have liked them as friends or pretty much as company. Vacations with them were the worst because there we actually had to spend time together. At home was better because they had plans that did not include me. Like constantly. And then I was making effort, because love was pain, to be seen or heard. And would blame the plans that did not include me and would try to change them without any success. Codependency learned at home manifested in all details that any book on the subject showed. But I did not know that, so would continue to make work a relationship that could not wok due to different values, need, expectations from life, lack of deep conversations that is intimacy for me. And the reason for it was that I could not do any better and I was afraid to be alone. Codependency brought up my own need to control and to manipulate caused by my fear of abandonment. Repeated patterns that I saw at my parents and then I wandered why I was unhappy.

Did similar in my career, I liked learning and that come natural for me, so I chose as a career chemistry, subject I was good at. It worked out well, funny enough. But kept me away from my own path and of what I really wanted. That I did not even grasp when making my choices- another manual typical codependent trait.

My healing come with solitude, reading and learning my way to emotions, my needs and my limits. Meditation and pendulum healing did a lot too. I feel I am still a work in progress, but now I can see that I was responsible for my unhappiness. I chose based on fear. I was not unlucky but in my own way blind. And I can choose not to repeat it.


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