So been doing some exercises of connection to my inner child - the part that reacts emotionally very strong with emotions connected to physical reactions- when triggered. Can be happiness, pain, anger, fear, excitement in there. That took me on a memory lane of how it felt to be the child in my family and not necessary the actual events, even also some fragments of different past situations showed up. I knew that part was not healed and already knew some of my triggers. What I found by the connection exercise brought both peace and feeling uncomfortable.
So I saw my childhood beliefs that now looking through them I can see them playing out in a number of situations all my life. Those were/ are:
I am not ok the way I am. I need to become to be accepted by the rest.
I am responsible for others feelings and reactions.
I am afraid of chaos and change and of life when is like that.
Those played out in so many ways from pretending I was good when wasn't, from trying to help others even when that made me feel resentful inside, of not saying what I truly think if that meant disappointing or bothering close persons, to fear of ambiguity and slow adapting to fast changes. None of those 3 beliefs are true for the adult, and I understand perfectly well why they were for the child. So the connection exercise has also the part to take responsibility when the 3 beliefs are triggered, offer emotional support to the part of me that is triggered and learning to use my voice more. Because I have a responsibility with that child and with me to make my needs, desires and limits heard. Because I am important. Of course speaking up, being vulnerable and so on brought both peace and feeling uncomfortable. And that is perfectly fine.
I also learned that my reactions to myself sometimes mirror the same ones that caused those beliefs. And being aware of how I talk to myself.