Inner child -part 5

I mentioned in a previous post that one my childhood life scripts was that I felt responsible for my caregivers and extended from there to others feelings and actions toward me. This was a double edged sword, on one side felt I had some power because then I could do something to avoid some of the anger and shaming toward me. That come with being my fault when the negative emotions and actions toward me happened as I did not prevent them. That made me feel some agency after all. Also gave me a feeling of being loved and special when the actions somehow become good, when I could comfort, hear and validate my caregivers so that the negative actions did not happen. Because so much time and energy was spent on the outside validation or retaliation, I felt lonely, and not authentic inside. Of course the life script stayed and I repeated it over and over again. The responsibility come with the script that I need permission to take care of myself, to feel hurt, vulnerable, afraid, to have my me time, to be sick, to not be able and not wanting to do. I felt I should get permission to be all that as I worked so hard to be responsible and fulfill others expectation of me. And that permission did not come so I felt anger, and being used. And this cycle also repeated.

Mostly in my younger years I was shamed for all I mentioned above to need permission for. The retaliation could be pretty painful for me so that i learned to dissociate from my pain, fear, anger, needs, feeling low or sick. That was classified in my family that looked amazing only from outside as weak. And because I was weak I was not enough or worthy. No surprise continues the cycle in my adult years and have issues with saying no, trusting or having boundaries. And I am learning as now I can actually see the big picture.