Reading through my page I realized a lot of it was about trauma healing and connecting to my emotions. And this has been the underlying work for more than 2 years and a half in a conscious way, and long before that in a not so aware mode. During this time I learned it is fine not be fine, to feel anger, fear, pain, rejection, doubt, frustration, humiliation. That the way through was learning from them. That they were not the enemy, but actually very compassionate friends. I learned about disconnection, loneliness and numbness. Not that I did not know them or experience them but because I was freezing them in the land of I cannot feel this, I should not feel or act this way. I learned about the need of helping the others in order to accept me without accepting myself. About boundaries and getting what I wanted- need to feel safe- and realizing I am safe when I am connected to my creativity and adaptability, not when situations are predictable and dont change. Control and safety through control is the opposite for free flowing of life. And is a coping mechanism and brought me to being an adult so not the enemy either. I learned about my life, still do, and how I was trying my best to keep it out with it messiness and unpredictability and connection. Revisited my childhood that thought was healed and was not and all my choices based on fear and not love. I learned about coping mechanisms, beliefs and come closer and closer to my inner child in the beginning more like enemies than friends. Connected with loneliness, solitude, shadow. Met people, repated all patterns and at times become aware of it.
I feel and know now that I have everything I need to be happy, connected and successful only if I do not stay in my way. And I for sure do more often then not. And that is ok too. Life is a journey, not a destination, isnt it? My blog is more the journal of that story.