I got this message some years ago in the beginning of my journey partially documented in here. The message felt right but I had no idea what it meant. I kind of tried to work towards it but I still could not grasp how could I keep life away. Life is such a huge force outside me, how can I in any way hinder it. And this weekend kind of down on me hoe, by my choices and behaviours some of them conscient and some of them not. Some of them written long time ago in my childhood and I have for sure talked about childhood scripts and unconscient beliefs that turn out in behaviours or choices. Is in fear of failure and refusing to take some choices that might advance you further on. Is in choices of partners and how I accept to be treated, I, my needs, my opinions and desires. Is in giving sometimes some people power over my life from the desire to be accepted that hopefully will bring freedom and respect of my needs and desires put away just to be accepted. An illogical paradox if I look directly at it. Is the desire of rewriting some old stories repeating some choices that I am partially aware what are going to lead to. And there is a way out, going in, understanding my choices and what triggers them and the desire to change. And in that I have help that the life that I kept away is actually offering. And I can say sometimes I am better at seeing my triggers and my choices more clear than other times. Sometimes I can come out of the triggers situation faster sometimes not. Sometimes my old survival mechanism based on I am safe if I don't rock the boat come in with the conflict and my own needs avoidance come is and I see it only later on. And that is fine, is a process like pretty much everything else. Healing, change, grief and pretty much any process have ups and downs and take longer or shorter times. And that is perfectly fine and the road going on ahead. There are no clear deadlines or milestones, as long as I am walking the path I am alright. With stumbling and detours and all. And sometimes I even manage to be grateful for it and for how long I actually come through.
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