There are plenty and they are called justifications and reasoning, but not about that I want to talk in this post. Something deeper at least was in my case. For a good while I think more than a year close to two I feel I ve been in a process of shedding old views, habits and yes, lies I told to myself. Has been an uncomfortable process at times, where some of the old blocked feelings that I repressed showed up/ and yes I can testify one cannot feel joy if repressing anger or sadness. We cannot choose which emotions we feel, and blocking, blocks all.
So what have I learned?
1. That creating the strong, self reliant image that had no visible vulnerabilities and using sarcasm when feeling uncomfortable was just that, an image. I know I took it on to feel accepted, and I was not. And more I tried to perfect it, less I was, and more detached of myself. I cannot be what I am not, and I am a mixture of thought, habits, actions and emotions. And that is fine.
2. That having the stable, respectful, well paid job that looks good for image did not and does not make me happy. Or the right boyfriend. That respects that comes from the social status is as superficial as the image created. That the outside value cannot increase my own, and it did not. Value and happiness is intrinsic.
3. I cannot receive acceptance from people that are not willing to give it to me. Though I still can give it to myself.
4. I know what I like or not and when trying to be the image, the rescuer or the controller that is also meaningless. The only person one can control and rescue is themselves and also that with limitations.
5. That I liked only parts of me. That does not make sense and is derived from the acceptance need. Because I am a system interacting with the world and from the string theory just a part of a larger system. It does not make sense to like anything by parts because we, and everything else, are smaller or larger systems interacting and parts of a larger system that we cannot imagine right now.
6. That I cannot trust myself/ not true either, I don't even know another anything in all complexities and how that system can react. Is not even optional, I am this system and that is all it is.
7. Black and white thinking, anxiety driven of the forever consequences. There are none, we are relative, our emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions and situations are relative. They pass nothing is forever and has a forever consequence.
That come with all the sadness, disappointment, grief, anxiety, acceptance, surrender. And I am grateful it happened.