I haven't been writing in a while. Got busy, stressed and tired. And tried to work though some released energy, old emotions and old stories that required a retelling. Because a good part of self acceptance and inner child work is actually a retelling of the old stories to a new truth and sometimes to a new narrative. Somehow I feel I am coming out of a long tunnel - because I could not see where I was going- a getting to an old quote and old post, life is a journey, with added story life is a journey that we give meaning by ourselves. No destination, no salvation and no expectation of future disasters - that might be what remained in the Pandora's box and not hope. And freedom, to your own story, meaning and direction. In the process I met an old cycle that I repeated more than a number of times- feeling alone, or vulnerable, trying to find some protective figure aka parental figure, regardless of age, developing some sort of dependency to the person and giving some of my boundaries and power to be liked up to a point. Combining it with some self gas-lightning, shame and fear, ruminating and lack of personal power and that is the accurate description of some of my former relationships. The reason for moving in circles in my life is my attempt to get the family I wanted - from the real one or the imaginary projected one. And that is not true so even was and is hard to let go I am somewhere there. Learning to stay in the present and not in fear and rumination while projecting old patterns to whatever I put energy and rumination on. Sounds simple and is simple, but this pattern running in the background for sure made some havoc here and there. We all have old running patterns, that worked in some moments in our life and they do not anymore. They look simple and are simple when in the light and can be released or changed with some effort. At the end no amount of anxiety or obsession helped me in fixing a problem especially a future half projected one and that brings up old patterns created to manage anxiety as the one described before was. Because what I project when lonely or vulnerable and stressed is exactly what went one back in my family. And that is the truth and not the moving in circles. As the only one that I need and can save me is me.
