After a serious depression at 13 years old that took quite some tall on me I have been afraid of my own pain for many years to come. I made sometimes a successful effort to suppress it and partially come out through anger and rage. Healing took me through a number of layers of that suppressed pain from the pain of not feeling heard or understood to grief after death. Around last weekend I ended up in a different layer of pain. Felt both very sad and had pain in the entire lower part of the body while also being somehow between worlds. And then around midnight was waken up from sleep by my neighbors having a fight. Nothing very serious and finished fast, but the sudden waking up flooded my brain with similar experiences that happened in my parents house. My parents had a pretty volatile relationship and they fights took out to light a bunch of frustrations and exaggeration of those frustrations. I felt very afraid and helpless in the moments and I remember now and also felt on Sunday the shear fear and making yourself very small so not to be noticed. The anxiety, fear and physical pain from the lower part contraction to seem so much smaller took some time to go away and next day felt tired and a little off. And felt like that for many days of my childhood and so much worse during my depression episodes when had continuous headaches and lower body pain. I also felt so proud of myself to have went through that and coped with it. By shutting it off- not very healthy true and by eating (comfort eating) and reading. Some of those strategies transformed in more healthier ones in time, but the fact I persevered and did pretty well in school and after while coping to all that anxiety and pain is a testament of my resilience. Pain when stayed with it reminded me of my own strength and power. I am proud of that little girls she did well. Very well. My story in unfolding and I have no clue what will come next. Though now I know I can stay my ground. That little girl is worthy of it and I am too.
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