Was wondering the last past weeks from where come part of the fear of solitude that I felteven when embracing it almost fully. And then I remembered the story of my grandmother on my mother side. She was separated from my grandfather, even legally not divorced, and she was treated by the rest of my close side of the family as this was a serious handicap and disability. Every mishap happened because she was alone and my mom wished for everything, but being alone. Including a codependent abusive relationship. My grandmother mentioned above was suffering of depression, anxiety that also lead to bulimia that was never fully addressed clinically. Mental health in Romania of my childhood was a taboo. And the anxiety and depression were cause by the fact that she was single, or so my parents said at all times. All evils happened because she was separated from my grandfather, and looking back she for sure believed the same. In a system based on family and family relationships, her being without a husband was a major issue, or so seemed in my family. Her relationship with my grandfather was anyway not working and had not for years when they separated, but somehow she was blamed for that. Regardless of how bad a relationship developed was a more serious offense to choose not to stay or even worse to be left. No surprise my mom later on in life did not take easy the fact I chose not to marry and in a way or another she sees me as a failure. Solitude is not the source of all evils, in my perspective, but the source of seeing who you truly are and a source of healing. Acceptance, self trust and so on can bloom in solitude. I need that me time even when in relationships and is something I felt guilty and weird for needing in the last. No surprise if I look back.
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