For like two weeks now I have been more attracted to a spirit animal oracle that I was very fond of like two years ago, but somehow did not feel connected after. Initially I did not think much about it, but when that overlapped with a different perspective on a healing event from like two years ago, somehow it felt like a cycle was coming to an end. The post will be mostly about the latter, in a mixture of healing sessions- appeared on one side my need to be liked for which I was more than likely to conform even to things I did not want to -related to belonging, feeling safe and fear of rejection and pain, and not feeling enough- quite connected to the masks and conforming that the need to be liked and belong lead to. I could feel at that time but for some reason that was not quite ok but could not really feel why, was keeping me away from the pain of feeling rejected and give some sort of validation and value even extrinsic.
Last week in a dance meditation session, I felt almost physically the weight of the need to belong regardless of the price, heaviness, hopelessness, physical pain, anger and resentment. A desire to be doing things my way and be my way and the pain and self rejection that the masks lead to. It was not anymore about is not ok the length I took for belonging but feeling the consequences of what that did to me in a way that I could not avoid it anymore. The pain of rejection did not seem like the one thing to avoid, because the self rejection was even more painful and somehow hidden.
I felt a cycle come to an end, and honestly the faith in me and me was the only solution forward. The same story- and natural masking I have seen around, when trying to look better, and the better self in a situation or another, in the need for external validation and equation of personal value with achievements. And that is taxing and high energy demanding.
In the end the animal oracle card that come forth for this reading. Fitting.