I did write about surrender before. From asking myself what exactly surrender was and is and how to get there. For a person with a current of underlying fear/ anxiety and toxic shame that can cycle to anger and back to shame was very hard to distinguish what surrender was. Surrender to what? emotions/ not really overall no emotion is bad, need to be felt and release, and not necessarily acted upon. Behaviors or behavioral changes- maybe if able to reframe the reaction to emotion, triggers and automatic responses- that I learned and probably still am learning to recognize and act. Surrender to life- was even more mystical-probably a better reinterpretation is surrender to not knowing- because with all the planning and preparations sometimes I have no idea what next- unexpected events happened before and likely will happen again. Maybe surrender to trusting myself that I can adapt to what next as best as I can at the moment. And sometimes better in some moments than others and that is perfectly fine. As the what we do not know might be the events that change out trajectory for the better. And with that I learned to reduce the magnitude of fear and shame/ to anxiety does not provide solutions and shame does not make me grow, just keep me small to a level where I do not trust myself. And as different cornerstones and decisions in the past proved that would be a loss. Real power comes from within and not from outside and from life with all the long history before the first human walked the earth and from not knowing. So maybe surrender is more I have faith in me in the face of the unknown. Will do my best at that moment.
“Things which do not grow and change are dead things.”
“The first thing that happens at the end of the world is that we don’t know what is happening.”
― Louise Erdrich