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That is whom I am

Heard this statement, said this statement. And feels true and right and maybe is not. Because maybe I am not everything I think I am and frankly I am still learning and growing and that is whom I am. A complex adaptable system with some fixed structures that stayed over the years, a little like a building adapted for earthquakes - with good enough resistance structure to stay but still capable of moving and rearranging. Maybe personality is not a fixed system, but more of a transitional one changing, growing and adapting like anything alive. And maybe some personas that I developed in time - like agreeable, social and people pleaser are that just personas. And not even beneficial for my own growth. I am still somehow agreeable, and social but not to the extent I internalized as good. And I still enjoy helping others while taking care of me. And that transition between that persona deemed as good and my inner inclinations toward expressing all 3 traits but less, while being ok with my desire of solitude and self reflection, of taking not that popular decisions with the scope of improvement of a specific situation, of setting boundaries and negotiating my needs and helping others when feels right to do it. And that transition has its own ups and downs because even natural and healthy for me they do not feel right at times, triggering my shame and am I good enough mode? Transition from I have some boundaries to I have boundaries was and still is at times exhausting- raising the question that lead to the persona creation- am I bad? Are we bad when our truths do not match others expectations, or other now own internalized expectations. And the truth is that the persona is not real, and maybe not even needed in the flexible structure that I am and I am becoming.

Transition to boundaries feels at times as transition to self-centering and egotism. And maybe it is, and still feels more healthy than the agreeable, social and people pleasing persona - based on need of approval, rooted in shame and fear. Because even I could tell before that I whom I was, deep down that did not feel true either. Because at times saying no to others means saying yes to me. Is that nice? probably not for the receiver of the no. Is it healthy for me- yes.

Be willing to do a new thing in a new way and sometimes you have to piss people off in the process—people will hold you to your limitations, what they believe to be true. Iyanla Vanzant

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