On my path to understand why sometimes reinforcing my boundaries and conflicts trigger me to find a solution that eventually is not the most beneficial for me or my interests found myself this morning thinking- and if I cannot trust what I feel and what I want to do based on how I feel? The question was loud and clear and shows the exact cause of feeling stuck.
The entire maybe I am too much is triggered when the other part of the interaction shows signs of disappointment, anger combined with sadness or when stressful situations last. Then I start doubting what how my feelings and needs show me the direction and I logically illogically coerce myself in a inner mental battle and accepting the situation as is without any change. Because I am too much and I should change. The entire mental conflict renders me pretty tired and then the paradigm stays the same until the same conflict reappears maybe in another form. Is a sort of saying if you think I am wrong and behave as I am I will take your word over mine in a conflict. This strategy was pretty successful in my childhood but not anymore. I trust my emotions, feelings, intuition, perception and me more. i can live with conflict, disappointment and all in others even uncomfortable. And that is trust vs gaslighting.