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Waiting for someone else

Hm after some months I have a partial idea what was the attached painting about. I thought for long was about my father and our sometimes complicated relationship. I realize now it is in a way, but not as a reflection of my childhood, but of my learned co-addiction. Since a child I have waited for that perfect relationship, the strong, respectful guy that will take care of me. That will take the decisions and I will take care of...a combination of what I saw in relationships when growing up and what I imagined to be great. So I wanted a father for my hurt child in the adult woman, but not really how my father really was. I chose guys that had some of those features, that also made me feel unheard, unimportant or just anxious in some moments, feelings that I associated with love years before. And I cannot blame them as that was what I needed deep down without wanting it.

My value in those years and looks subconsciously also now, derived from what I did for others and how good I learned and created no significant issues. That created the work ethics from today and a need to help and fix others even when they did not request it. That was how love was in my family combined with the desire of control of others and situations while fixing them. Typical codependency. I have attempted for few months learning to value myself for me, and is a process with ups and downs. Th triggers are still there and sometimes I realize them and I did not act, while sometimes I do. And what motivates me the most is the hurt and pain of the little girl in me that waited for acceptance and being seen for decades. I deserve it and she deserves it too. So while waiting for someone else, a father, I started to find myself.

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